Last Thanksgiving we took our bi-annual trip to north Louisiana/south Arkansas area to visit Ben's extended family. It was a lot of fun! During that trip, we stopped to look on Sarah's grave. She was buried in that area in Ruston, LA (my college town). We stop every time we go down there just to make sure the the site is kept up, the stone is still okay, and leave some flowers. I usually spend some of this time just reflecting on Sarah, my life, and how I can honor her and God in my life now. This trip was the third to include Madelyn, however this time she was old enough to question and start to understand the situation. So, she sat down with me by Sarah's stone and I told her, in very simple terms, that I had a baby in my tummy a LONG time ago that died and now lives with God and that I named that baby Sarah.... Madelyn didn't seem to really be paying attention or listening at the time. She did settle down into my lap for a minute though and when she did I started crying a little. Crying because I was half-way imagining holding my little Sarah and also because I was so overcome with joy to have my Madelyn. Of course, Madelyn asked me why I was crying and I told her it was because I was very happy to have her with me. Since we had been occasionally watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition as a family on Sunday nights, she was familiar with this idea of "happy crying". :)
Now, I'm realizing that she was listening after all in the cemetary that day. For since then, I had decided that I was not going to talk about Sarah for awhile. I am afraid that talking about Sarah will be confusing to Madelyn and that will bring feelings that just don't need to be dealt with right now. Everything in its own time. However, Madelyn has brought her up several times. She doesn't usually ask anything, she just retells the story to me that I told her. She did ask yesterday on the way home from church though, "if Sarah isn't there in the ground, where is she?" Then I said, "I think she went to live with God in Heaven. Do you think she likes it there?" To which Madelyn replied, "Yeah Mom, I think she does." I'm glad that Madelyn is starting to get to know Sarah and that one day I'll be able to tell her the rest of the story, the part where God used Sarah to draw me closer to him. Just not yet.....
1 comment:
Gosh, it is such a difficult thing to talk about with children when they are so young. It sounds like you are handling it in a way that Madelyn is able to understand - I guess it's something to handle gently. We have had a similar difficulty with Connor - of course he knew about Andrew because he was with us, but we haven't told him about the other babies because it seems like too much sadness to deal with at such a young age. He often will mention his "angel baby" and I believe it's a great way to feel a connection to Heaven & God...kids deal with it in the terms you give them, so if you talk about death in a not scary way, I think that's what their experience is.
It's nice to hear your stories about Sarah...Know that your family (as well as your baby Sarah) are in our prayers often :)
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