Revival of 1997

Last weekend, I celebrated 13 years since God met me and delivered me from what seemed at the time like insurmountable circumstances. I celebrated by making a Sarah Cake. Strawberry cake with chocolate frosting... yummy. While I was celebrating, I received a message from an acquaintance. She said:

Thanks for sharing your story on-line...very interesting. If you don't know, I have had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic and as you probaly do know, no kids. It's interesting that you used this experience to be/feel closer to God as that has been very hard for me to do. Am interested in some day discussing and figuring out how you actually did that. I guess I just need to keep the faith myself and your story made me think about doing that, so thanks-

As I first read it, I thought, "Wow, God IS working through my story!" But then I thought, "Man, how did this experience bring me closer to God? I can't remember..." And God starting working in my heart and mind again. I spent the next several days revisiting those memories, trying to recapture the miracle of that time. I also realized that I have totally missed capturing the story of HOW God met me that spring/summer of 1997. Here's my attempt...

In the spring of 1997, I was in my junior year at Louisiana Tech University and a faithful attender to the LATech Wesley Foundation (a campus ministry of the Methodist type - don't judge! :) However, I wasn't faithful in my relationship with God. I was cheating on Him... my heart, mind, and soul were distracted by a "guy" and I knew it (note to self: Matthew 22:36-38). I KNEW that the relationship wasn't right and I KNEW that my life was being defined by the wrong things. But I also KNEW what I WANTED... and it was different than what I NEEDED. Before too long, our relationship was way too intimate and it wasn't long until I became pregnant. I think we discovered this in March.

I remember going into a classroom the next day to take a test, sitting down at a desk trying to focus, and then getting up to tell my prof through tears that I couldn't do it (the prof was so generous, he let me make up that test).

I remember calling my and my boyfriend's parents to break the news sitting in a prayer nook in my campus minister's house (my parents were sad but encouraging; my boyfriend's parents were not so much...)

I remember my boyfriend being steadfast about not getting married (turns out this was a good decision).

I remember having to hide my pregnancy from the church service where I was a part of the praise band because they didn't want me to share it (which made for even more shocking news later).

I remember making a plan.... the plan was that I would take a couple of classes that summer before heading to be with my parents to have my baby in November and then make it back to school for Spring quarter (March-May). It would add one more year to my education, but I was confident that I could do it.

But most of all, I remember feeling lonely, estranged, lost...

My family was living in Hawaii. My boyfriend made it perfectly clear that he was backing away from our relationship. My church... well, they didn't want me to even share the (good? bad?) news. Before too long, the summer came and both my roommates were gone too. [Sidenote: My roommates were so great about it too! We talked and agreed that we would all stay in our rental house together when I returned with my baby the next school year!] My one saving grace was the Wesley Foundation, the campus minister and the other people that stayed on that summer. They were so accepting and loving of me during that time... A blessing from God.

I remember vividly to this day, a particular morning. I was sitting in my living room on the couch reading my Bible with the hot summer sun beating in through the front windows and the A/C not being able to keep up. I was reading a psalm written by David. I wish I remembered which one. It was one of the many where David is wanting God to come closer and then David starts realizing that he is the one that needs to move closer. I remember falling on my knees and sobbing, begging God to forgive me and inviting Him into my life, my heart again. (I'm tearing up now remembering this...) It was one of the most moving moments of my life. I felt Him. I felt Him hug me and hold me as I collapsed on the floor and soaked it in. God met me. I had forgotten Him but He reminded me. I had been lost, but He found me.

Soon after that, I was to go in for my first ultrasound. The baby's father had agreed to go with me and when we saw the baby moving and discovered she was a girl, the "guy" became a father before my eyes. His manner and disposition changed dramatically as he realized somewhere within him that this was real and this little girl inside me was his. I felt like a miracle had occurred! You see, I loved this guy and even though God had awoken my soul again, I had visions of being a family. We might have if it hadn't played out the way it did...

A week later, I started having a heavy watery discharge. I called the doctor and even went to his office twice and he told me I shouldn't worry. I trusted him and went to help at a Christian Summer Camp as a cabin counselor. I woke up the next morning soaked around my middle and KNEW there was a problem. I talked to the leader (who happened to be the Wesley Foundation minister) and he told me to get back to the doctor. I went back to town, made an appointment for the morning, and slept in an empty bed at "my guy's" apartment. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but that night I was having contractions all night. After driving myself to my appointment, the doctor rushed me to the hospital, sutured my cervix closed (my baby's last hope), and then left for vacation. I don't remember the next 2 days very well.... I was pretty doped up. The stand-in doctor decided that was best for me. I wish it wasn't that way. I do remember snatches of time though.

I remember "my guy" meeting me out of surgery and then staying with me in the hospital that night.

I remember being shocked by my mom walking in in the middle of the night (she jumped on a plane and made it from Oahu, Hawaii to my bedside in ruralish Louisiana in less than 18 hours!) and immediately kissing me on my forehead. She was being sweet, but she was also checking my temperature. After saying she loved me, she also immediately left to find a nurse.

I remember waking up the next day to two of my closest friends and them telling me that the waiting room was FULL of people praying for me and my baby.

One time I woke up, "my guy" and I had a very short conversation about naming our girl Sarah Jean (Jean after my mom and her strength).

The next time I remember waking up is when they were prepping me to give birth to my little girl who had, unknown to me, died in utero already. I didn't know what to think or do... so I just prayed. Then, I held my little girl and cried and prayed, fighting sleep before it took me again.

The next couple of weeks/months/years were really hard, but not because I doubted God's plan or power. I was immensely sad to lose my little girl. I was dealing with the reality of the situation, losing someone that I had come to love deeply. That was hard enough. However, to me, she'd been much more than a baby inside me. She'd become my deliverance back into relationship with God. Without her, I had to figure out how to keep on keeping on. Yet, God continued to meet me and hold me and love me. His grace was sufficient and kept me afloat. He delivered me.

Psalm 34:3-5 (New International Version)
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

Sarah Cake 2010

This year, today, the reality of God's goodness has really overcome me. Today I made our 2nd Annual Sarah Cake and remembered that GOD IS GOOD! He blesses us, redeems us, delivers us, and holds us close. I truly feel blessed to have met, and continue to meet, Him as I do in my life. There is that one particular time in my life that stands out, of course. Losing my Sarah, 13 years ago today, was my biggest struggle. a seemingly insurmountable trial. However, God met me. He delivered me. I've become convinced that out of these trials, the painful memories slip away and the remnants left are God's gifts to us - renewed hope, relationships you hold more closely, His peace and joy that can weather ANY storm... and more. I feel blessed... and healing continues.

God is good!

Tomorrow will mark 12 years that have gone by since my Sarah was born. This is first year of what I hope to make a tradition in my house - the "Sarah cake". I was trying to explain to Ben a couple days ago that this is NOT a birthday cake to remember the day that Sarah was born - that is much too sad of a thing for me to remember. This cake doesn't really celebrate anything but God's goodness. The time in my life that I conceived and carried Sarah was very hard but at my lowest God met me and ushered me into a new relationship with Him. He held my hand and sometimes "carried" me; He showed me His love in ways that I can't fully explain in words. This cake is the start of my attempt to share with my family that God can use seemingly insurmountable situations and change them into times of love, grace, peace, understanding.... God is good!!

PS - If you find yourself laughing at my pitiful cake, that's okay. I did too!

Madelyn and Sarah

Last Thanksgiving we took our bi-annual trip to north Louisiana/south Arkansas area to visit Ben's extended family. It was a lot of fun! During that trip, we stopped to look on Sarah's grave. She was buried in that area in Ruston, LA (my college town). We stop every time we go down there just to make sure the the site is kept up, the stone is still okay, and leave some flowers. I usually spend some of this time just reflecting on Sarah, my life, and how I can honor her and God in my life now. This trip was the third to include Madelyn, however this time she was old enough to question and start to understand the situation. So, she sat down with me by Sarah's stone and I told her, in very simple terms, that I had a baby in my tummy a LONG time ago that died and now lives with God and that I named that baby Sarah.... Madelyn didn't seem to really be paying attention or listening at the time. She did settle down into my lap for a minute though and when she did I started crying a little. Crying because I was half-way imagining holding my little Sarah and also because I was so overcome with joy to have my Madelyn. Of course, Madelyn asked me why I was crying and I told her it was because I was very happy to have her with me. Since we had been occasionally watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition as a family on Sunday nights, she was familiar with this idea of "happy crying". :)

Now, I'm realizing that she was listening after all in the cemetary that day. For since then, I had decided that I was not going to talk about Sarah for awhile. I am afraid that talking about Sarah will be confusing to Madelyn and that will bring feelings that just don't need to be dealt with right now. Everything in its own time. However, Madelyn has brought her up several times. She doesn't usually ask anything, she just retells the story to me that I told her. She did ask yesterday on the way home from church though, "if Sarah isn't there in the ground, where is she?" Then I said, "I think she went to live with God in Heaven. Do you think she likes it there?" To which Madelyn replied, "Yeah Mom, I think she does." I'm glad that Madelyn is starting to get to know Sarah and that one day I'll be able to tell her the rest of the story, the part where God used Sarah to draw me closer to him. Just not yet.....

Sarah's Birth Story

I like this questionnaire! It really has lasting value. It helps me remember those moments that I hope to NEVER forget. I'm really writing this for me (and my children) to help remember these things, but feel free to read it too! I think I will do one for each of my kids... caution: the first one *might* surprise you.

DISCLAIMER: This is a sad recounting of history.... but it really doesn’t capture the real impact Sarah had on me and my relationship with God. I feel blessed by her and God to have put her in my life (although through my own actions!). Please click on “Sarah” in the label list in the sidebar for more about her.

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Absolutely not and completely threw me for a loop!

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? no

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Denial

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Truly, no, I never considered it

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 20

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? my aching breasts followed by a pee-stick

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My boyfriend, the baby’s father

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes and no

9. DUE DATE? November 21, 1997

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? YES!

11. DID YOU DELIVER EARLY OR LATE? Too, too early

12. WHERE DID YOUR WATER BREAK? At a summer camp in Louisiana

13. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Peace within

14. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? my stupidity

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? girl

16. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? No....

17. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN? about 10lbs.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY BABY SHOWERS? no

20. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Sarah was born at 21 weeks gestation and was still born. The doctors thought that I had/have an incompetent cervix which led to Sarah becoming septic in the womb.

21. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Ruston, LA

22. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? Hard to tell since I was kept pretty loopy on medication.

23. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? myself

24. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? the baby's father and my mom (who flew in from Hawaii immediately after I told her what was going on)

25. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

26. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? didn't need any after all the meds they already had me on

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 3lb 11oz

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? July 11th - 19 weeks early

29. WHAT DID YOU NAME YOUR CHILD? Sarah Jean Cobb

11 years ago....

It was actually 11 years ago yesterday. I'm quite ashamed that I forgot.... Yesterday was Sarah's birthday. I remembered earlier in the week and thought about doing a cake in remembrance. I thought about starting a tradition to give my kids some way of knowing her and giving her a "place" in our family. I was having trouble with figuring out a good way of introducing the whole thing... then I mentally put it down... and promptly forgot. I'm so ashamed of myself, I forgot my Sarah's birthday. I know that it is a good sign that I'm not caught up in the past and that I'm fully living here. I'm just having a hard time with the feeling that I let her down. No, that's not quite right. That I let myself down in remembering her and what she, and what she brought to my life, means to me. I don't want to forget her or the wonderful closeness that she ushered in between me and my heavenly Father. I don't want to forget.... but I did.

a wedding and a funeral

Ben has returned home now. Before he left he happened to mention that he was "going to a wedding and a funeral" and I thought "how wrong does that sound?" From the reports that I have gotten, it sounds like everything went well. The wake, the funeral, the burial, the wedding, and the reception.... all within 48 hours. Amazing. Uncle Steve's wake was very well attended. It's said that there was a reception line that didn't end for 3.5 hours! I can't imagine the physical and emotional exhaustion that would come with receiving people for that long! And that was just the first of five physically and emotionally demanding events to occur.... Amazing. Ben was an honorary pallbearer at the funeral (mostly because the family didn't know if he was going to make it to be "real" pallbearer). He feels quite honored.

From reports I've heard, the wedding was wonderful. Yes, the bride broke down a couple times during the vows (expected), but all in all, the wedding was about the joy of the union and *not* about sadness over the man who wasn't able to make it. Thank you, Lord, for your loving mercy.

On Sunday, I sang in the praise team for service and, of course, one of the songs we sang was Blessed Be Your Name. Standing on stage, it brought me to tears (btw, not the ideal place to fall apart). The words are so poignant and remind me that life as God's child does not promise happiness, instead it promises joy and fullness and peace even in times of strife and trials.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say:
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I have a passage that was given to me during the hardest time of my life, when I lost my Sarah. This passage is now framed with a small bit of the flowers that I received then at the bottom of our stairs (thanks, Mom). I walk past it many times a day and probably read it once a week. It really does seem so backwards to think that my God isn't trying to make me happy. He is trying to bring me closer to Himself and to eternal joy and peace using many ways, including the hard times.

The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.

James Means - A Tearful Goodbye

Thank you, God, for the the trials that come and go and for the devotion that deepens with each one.

The Rhodes Thanksgiving Adventure

I just found this post in my drafts. I think I decided not to post it because it was so negative and posted a more positive post instead (the next one), but I'm going to post it now anyway. These are definitely strong memories of Thanksgiving 2006. Keep in mind that Madelyn was 2 and Greyson was 3 WEEKS.

Thanksgiving of 2006 will be an occasion that I will remember for a long while... for good and not-so-good reasons! Let's name a good one first - the kids were awesome!! I couldn't believe how well-behaved Madelyn was and how great Greyson did! I was relieved because you always want to show off the best of your kids, especially when it is family. I only really have two not-so-good things that I will remember - 1) the Dallas airport (enough said?) and 2) all four of us sleeping in the same room for 4 nights in a row.

So we started off our trip by flying non-stop to Dallas on Tuesday morning. I can't complain about the flight at all. We got checked-in fine, through security fine (with two kids, stroller, carseat, backpack, diaper bag, camera bag, plus having to remove all our shoes and empty our pockets - it was probably a trip to watch!), and then to the gate fine. We had a great flight with well-behaved children too. Everything was going great and I was so thrilled to be done with what I thought would be the worst part, then Ben and I decided to split up, Ben to get the bags and me to get the rental van. I assumed that we would only be split up about 30 minutes.... Only one problem with this scenario - I didn't take note of what gate we flew into to. This may not be an important piece of information at most airports but it IS at DFW. You see, each gate has its own baggage claim area and door to leave the terminal. So, now I was trying to backtrack and find Ben (and a hungry Greyson) and had no idea of where he was.... Not only that but the rental car hub was outside the airport and I couldn't find my way back into the airport either. I drove up and down the service road a couple of times trying to decipher the signs to figure out how to get in the airport. This is when I broke down and starting crying. I had Madelyn in the van with me and she was saying from the backseat, "Okay, Mommy" like when I tell her to say "It's okay, Greyson" when he is crying. It was sweet but I felt like such a doofus with my two-year-old trying to console me, the mom. I've finally found my way into the airport and it is just at this moment that I realize that I have no idea where Ben is waiting for me (and Ben, the anti-cellphone dweeb, can't help me). I stop to talk to someone at a gate and he takes pity on me (since I'm sobbing at this point) and tells me that NWA flies into terminal E, so I go to terminal E hoping that I will see Ben on the curb... So after lots of searching and driving in circles, almost two hours after Madelyn and I left my husband and hungry baby to get the van, I find them! Looking back, I wonder how much of my break down was frustration and how much I should attribute to the post-partum hormones... anyway, it was good to get out of that God-forsaken airport!

Note to Self - if you are picking someone up from DFW, take note of what gate they are flying into.

Maybe I should go ahead and write about the other not-so-good thing to get it out of my system.... The four of us, Ben, Madelyn, Greyson, and myself, slept in the same room for four nights of our "vacation". I would not suggest this for a family that has a 3 week old baby. I don't think any of us slept well any of those nights. I think Madelyn slept the best and Greyson probably slept okay, but Ben and I had a really hard time sleeping while Greyson was snorting and grunting. I think he started battling some awful gas pains on the second night and was grunting more often and more loudly! I actually would have slept a whole lot better if I hadn't been afraid that Greyson was going to wake up Madelyn! So, by the fourth morning, I was more than ready to move to different sleeping quarters.

Note to Self - make sure to have two rooms for your family to sleep in when traveling with a newborn.

Now I really should spend some blog space on things that I am thankful for from the trip (it was thanksgiving after all). I will list them in chronological order for you:

• Spending time with Ben's sister and her husband at their home. And I'm also thankful that they have two rooms that we were able to use while we slept there!
• Children that traveled well on planes and in cars
• Sonic (Man, do we love Sonic!)
• Spending time with the Murphy family in Ruston, LA

Okay, now that I have that out of my system.... we then left the airport to go to Ben's sister's house. Of course, we also had to stop by a Sonic on the way for food and beverages. We love Sonic! Once we got the house, we settled in and spent some time with Ben's sister and her husband, Christina and Brandon. We spent the night there and Madelyn got to sleep in her own room that night. Looking back, that was our last good night of sleep for several nights. The next morning, the four of us headed out to Ruston, LA - a surprisingly wonderful 3 hour drive. Once we got there, we visited Sarah's grave and Tech's campus and ate dinner with a couple of my friends from college that still live in the area. It was wonderful! After dinner, we left the Murphy's and headed up to Lake Darbonne State Park. That is where we stayed for the next 4 (long) nights.... more to come...

Sarah, on my mind

Today, Sarah would have been 9 years old...

For those that don't know, Sarah is the daughter that I lost in college when I was only 22 weeks pregnant. If you are a friend and it isn't something that has come up in conversation with you, don't think that I am trying to keep it quiet. It is an odd topic to come up in conversation and it probably just didn't have an opportunity to surface yet. I don't mind talking about it at all! Sarah was a blessing to me in many ways.

Needless to say, though, today is a bittersweet day for me. Sad that she couldn't stay with me but blessed to have had her in my life. God really used her little life to speak to me in so many ways.

The hard part for me this year is that I am 24 weeks pregnant right now. To be in such a similar physical state (yet, SUCH a different place in life) to where I was when I lost Sarah leaves me feeling very odd. Odd because I know that this child has such a better chance at life than she did and that Pipsqueak wouldn't have that great chance at life if it wasn't for Sarah. Even though it feels so wrong, I mourn my loss of Sarah but praise God that Madleyn and Pipsqueak (and the children I might carry in the future) don't have to endure the same hardship because of what I learned through my experience with her.

Ben and I were discussing how my life would have been different if Sarah had made it or if she would never have been conceived at all. And in either case, I think my life would have been impacted greatly! Ben then mentioned that any birth of a child - first, fourth, planned, or unplanned - changes the lives of its parents. How true! Sarah, Madelyn, and now Pipsqueak have definitely changed mine... and I love them all for it!

I miss you, Sarah.