Last weekend, I celebrated 13 years since God met me and delivered me from what seemed at the time like insurmountable circumstances. I celebrated by making a
Sarah Cake. Strawberry cake with chocolate frosting... yummy. While I was celebrating, I received a message from an acquaintance. She said:
Thanks for sharing your story on-line...very interesting. If you don't know, I have had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic and as you probaly do know, no kids. It's interesting that you used this experience to be/feel closer to God as that has been very hard for me to do. Am interested in some day discussing and figuring out how you actually did that. I guess I just need to keep the faith myself and your story made me think about doing that, so thanks-
As I first read it, I thought, "Wow, God IS working through my story!" But then I thought, "Man, how did this experience bring me closer to God? I can't remember..." And God starting working in my heart and mind again. I spent the next several days revisiting those memories, trying to recapture the miracle of that time. I also realized that I have totally missed capturing the story of HOW God met me that spring/summer of 1997. Here's my attempt...
In the spring of 1997, I was in my junior year at
Louisiana Tech University and a faithful attender to the
LATech Wesley Foundation (a campus ministry of the Methodist type - don't judge! :) However, I wasn't faithful in my relationship with God. I was cheating on Him... my heart, mind, and soul were distracted by a "guy" and I knew it (note to self:
Matthew 22:36-38). I KNEW that the relationship wasn't right and I KNEW that my life was being defined by the wrong things. But I also KNEW what I WANTED... and it was different than what I NEEDED. Before too long, our relationship was way too intimate and it wasn't long until I became pregnant. I think we discovered this in March.
I remember going into a classroom the next day to take a test, sitting down at a desk trying to focus, and then getting up to tell my prof through tears that I couldn't do it (the prof was so generous, he let me make up that test).
I remember calling my and my boyfriend's parents to break the news sitting in a prayer nook in my campus minister's house (my parents were sad but encouraging; my boyfriend's parents were not so much...)
I remember my boyfriend being steadfast about not getting married (turns out this was a good decision).
I remember having to hide my pregnancy from the church service where I was a part of the praise band because they didn't want me to share it (which made for even more shocking news later).
I remember making a plan.... the plan was that I would take a couple of classes that summer before heading to be with my parents to have my baby in November and then make it back to school for Spring quarter (March-May). It would add one more year to my education, but I was confident that I could do it.
But most of all, I remember feeling lonely, estranged, lost...
My family was living in Hawaii. My boyfriend made it perfectly clear that he was backing away from our relationship. My church... well, they didn't want me to even share the (good? bad?) news. Before too long, the summer came and both my roommates were gone too. [Sidenote: My roommates were so great about it too! We talked and agreed that we would all stay in our rental house together when I returned with my baby the next school year!] My one saving grace was the Wesley Foundation, the campus minister and the other people that stayed on that summer. They were so accepting and loving of me during that time... A blessing from God.
I remember vividly to this day, a particular morning. I was sitting in my living room on the couch reading my Bible with the hot summer sun beating in through the front windows and the A/C not being able to keep up. I was reading a psalm written by David. I wish I remembered which one. It was one of the many where David is wanting God to come closer and then David starts realizing that he is the one that needs to move closer. I remember falling on my knees and sobbing, begging God to forgive me and inviting Him into my life, my heart again. (I'm tearing up now remembering this...) It was one of the most moving moments of my life. I felt Him. I felt Him hug me and hold me as I collapsed on the floor and soaked it in. God met me. I had forgotten Him but He reminded me. I had been lost, but He found me.
Soon after that, I was to go in for my first ultrasound. The baby's father had agreed to go with me and when we saw the baby moving and discovered she was a girl, the "guy" became a father before my eyes. His manner and disposition changed dramatically as he realized somewhere within him that this was real and this little girl inside me was his. I felt like a miracle had occurred! You see, I loved this guy and even though God had awoken my soul again, I had visions of being a family. We might have if it hadn't played out the way it did...
A week later, I started having a heavy watery discharge. I called the doctor and even went to his office twice and he told me I shouldn't worry. I trusted him and went to help at a Christian Summer Camp as a cabin counselor. I woke up the next morning soaked around my middle and KNEW there was a problem. I talked to the leader (who happened to be the Wesley Foundation minister) and he told me to get back to the doctor. I went back to town, made an appointment for the morning, and slept in an empty bed at "my guy's" apartment. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but that night I was having contractions all night. After driving myself to my appointment, the doctor rushed me to the hospital, sutured my cervix closed (my baby's last hope), and then left for vacation. I don't remember the next 2 days very well.... I was pretty doped up. The stand-in doctor decided that was best for me. I wish it wasn't that way. I do remember snatches of time though.
I remember "my guy" meeting me out of surgery and then staying with me in the hospital that night.
I remember being shocked by my mom walking in in the middle of the night (she jumped on a plane and made it from Oahu, Hawaii to my bedside in ruralish Louisiana in less than 18 hours!) and immediately kissing me on my forehead. She was being sweet, but she was also checking my temperature. After saying she loved me, she also immediately left to find a nurse.
I remember waking up the next day to two of my closest friends and them telling me that the waiting room was FULL of people praying for me and my baby.
One time I woke up, "my guy" and I had a very short conversation about naming our girl Sarah Jean (Jean after my mom and her strength).
The next time I remember waking up is when they were prepping me to give birth to my little girl who had, unknown to me, died in utero already. I didn't know what to think or do... so I just prayed. Then, I held my little girl and cried and prayed, fighting sleep before it took me again.
The next couple of weeks/months/years were really hard, but not because I doubted God's plan or power. I was immensely sad to lose my little girl. I was dealing with the reality of the situation, losing someone that I had come to love deeply. That was hard enough. However, to me, she'd been much more than a baby inside me. She'd become my deliverance back into relationship with God. Without her, I had to figure out how to keep on keeping on. Yet, God continued to meet me and hold me and love me. His grace was sufficient and kept me afloat. He delivered me.
Psalm 34:3-5 (New International Version)
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
